Talking to Teens
How to talk to young people you are helping
1. Listen. It is incredible how having someone actively listen to you and accept how you feel about something helps someone solve their own problems or recognise, sometimes with your help, the need to speak to parents, a doctor or other professional service.
2. Validate their feelings. You don't have to agree but try and put yourself in their shoes and understand how they feel. Let them speak without interruption. Reflect back what they have said to you without giving your judgement. e.g.:
"That sounds like a terrible thing you have been through..."
"I understand why that would make you feel this way."
3. Encourage Action - listen to their potential solutions and, if appropriate, encourage them to take action.
4. Communicate your support - let them know you are here to support and help them.
"I can help you get the help you need, let's go and talk to ..."
"Do you want me to help you talk to your parents?"
"I'm here for you to talk to whenever you need."
** If this a really difficult topic for you, say:
"This is bigger than both of us. I would like to ask an adult for help" or
"This is bigger than both of us, I think we need to make an appointment with [GP, psychologist, school counsellor or other professional]"
You can also call KHL, or 000 if an emergency, and ask their advice
5. Give praise.
"That was really brave of you to tell me about ..."
"I'm so honoured you have chosen me to talk about .."
6. Show trust. Show them you trust how they feel and involve them in coming up with their own solutions. e.g
"I can understand why you feel bad about that. How could you handle that conversation differently next time?"
7. Control your emotions. If what they tell you is difficult to hear, take a deep breath and let them finish. Try not to judge or show disapproval or shock. If you need help refer to 7 below.
8. Professional Help. If you feel uncomfortable with the topic or it is something you feel needs professional help. Tell them
"This is bigger than both of us, I think we need to make an appointment with [GP, psychologist, school counsellor or other professional]"
"I don't know much about this, but I want to help you. Let's go together to speak with [your parents, other family member, school counsellor, teacher]"
Help them get to the help they need.
9. Look after yourself. Sometimes it can be hard to support someone. It can also trigger some feelings in you that you find hard to cope with. Make sure you have a good support network around you - set up your own Crew - and talk to them if you need support.
A note for Crew:
Crewing for someone is not meant to be hard or challenging.
We DO NOT ask you to provide professional help. We have plenty of amazing professional help links to people who are experts in their field. Use them if you feel uncomfortable or you think they are required.
WE DO ask you to listen and acknowledge how your person is feeling about their issue, validate their concerns and support action to get the help they need. This could be going with them to a teacher, school counsellor, their parents, a GP. Help them get professional help if it is needed.
If you are under 18 and you feel uncomfortable, this is when you reach out to your own Crew or KHL to get some advice on what to do. You can also see our Pathways to Help - Crew to step you through.
The Oath:
Crew take the oath below to support their people:
No problem is too big or too small
You will get help from me
You will not get in trouble from me
Our conversation is confidential (unless I think you are at risk or maybe a risk to others, or the problem is too big for us to handle)
The oath is an important part of being Crew but it is not meant to be overwhelming. Sometimes it can be hard to know what to do to support someone. You may feel stressed or scared you'll say the wrong thing. See below for how to talk to people you are helping.
Talking to students : Teacher/Coach/School Staff Resources
The following tips are from:
https://schools.au.reachout.com/articles/starting-a-conversation-about-youth-mental-health
If someone is going through a really tough time, it can be a massive relief to be given permission to say 'I'm not OK' and to be given an easy opportunity to ask for help. These steps can help you to initiate a conversation with a student you are worried about.
Tip 1. Be receptive
- Take the lead, show initiative and ask: "Are you OK?".
- Put the invitation out there: "I've got time to talk".
- Maintain eye contact and sit in a relaxed position - positive body language will help you both feel more comfortable.
- Often just spending time with the person lets them know you care and can help you understand what they're going through.
Tip 2. Use ice breakers to initiate a conversation
Use open-ended questions such as "So tell me about...?", which require more than a "yes" or "no" answer. You may also like to use the following questions to start a conversation:
- "You know, I've noticed that you've seemed really down/worried/stressed for a long time now. Is there anyone you've been able to talk to about it?".
- "Lots of people go through this sort of thing. Getting help will make it easier".
- "I hate to see you struggling on your own. There are people that can help. Have you thought of visiting your doctor?".
Tip 3. Practice your listening skills
- Listen to what a person is saying: be open-minded and non-judgmental - sometimes, when someone wants to talk, they're not always seeking advice, but they just need to talk about their concerns
- Be patient: let the person take their time
- Avoid telling someone what to do: it is important to listen and try to help the other person work out what is best for them.
Tip 4. Be encouraging
- Encourage physical health: maintaining regular exercise, a nutritious diet and getting regular sleep helps to cope in tough times
- Encourage the person to seek professional help: from their family doctor, a support service or counsellor, or a mental health worker
- Encourage self-care: sometimes people need to be encouraged to do more to look after their own needs during a difficult time.
Tip 5. Be helpful
What not to do when trying to help someone. It is unhelpful to:
- Pressure them to "snap out of it", "get their act together" or "cheer up"
- Stay away or avoid them
- Tell them they just need to stay busy or get out more
- Suggest alcohol or drugs
- Assume the problem will just go away.
Instead:
- Listen to their concerns
- Acknowledge how they are feeling
- Let them know you care about their wellbeing
- Help them identify next steps for further support.
FORUMS, TOOLS & VIDEOS
Jodi Aman: Talking to Your Teenager: Communicate with Teens So They'll Talk To You
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wx-j9sYE2nY
Martyn Richards TEDx: Communication and the Teenage Brain.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbruY110Ql8
Neil D Brown TEDx: Turning Parent-Teen Stress Into Parent-Teen Success
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzflpW91yMg
HELP OTHERS / CREW
Sometimes it can be hard to know what to do to support someone. You may feel stressed or scared you'll say the wrong thing.
Remember your main role in YourCrew is to listen, validate, encourage actions and communicate support. That can mean calling a professional service such as Kids Helpline or, in an emergency, calling 000 They can also guide you on what to do.
If you are under 18 years, you can also reach out to an adult or your Crew to help you support someone.
see Professional and Urgent Help for a list of services with live phone numbers and links
Teens who don't want to talk:
https://www.generationnext.com.au/2015/01/talk-teens-dont-want-talk/
Conversation Starters:
https://wehavekids.com/parenting/Conversation-Starters-for-Teens
Other links:
https://childmind.org/article/tips-communicating-with-teen/
https://ideas.ted.com/5-simple-tips-to-help-you-have-a-real-conversation-with-a-teen/